


Chrysalis

by dweadpiwatemeggers



Series: Little Know It All [1]
Category: Mind Blind - Jo O'Connor
Genre: Diary/Journal, Guilt, Therapy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:54:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28776381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dweadpiwatemeggers/pseuds/dweadpiwatemeggers
Summary: Chrysalis (n): a transitional stateExcerpts from the therapy journal of Ellie Wiseman, ages 15-16. Massive spoilers for Chapter 3. Like, the biggest spoilers possible.
Series: Little Know It All [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2142618
Kudos: 17





	1. Fault

_fault (n) responsibility for an accident or misfortune_

Well. That seems pretty clear cut. Am I responsible for what happened? What even is the definition of responsible, anyway?

_responsibility (n) the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something._

Ok then. Am I to blame?

Maybe.

If I hadn’t yelled…

Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I caused it.


	2. Cause

_cause (n) a person or thing that gives rise to an action, phenomenon or condition_

Condition: I am catatonic on the kitchen floor.

Immediate cause: Because Mom took control of my mind but didn’t know what she was doing.

Ultimate cause:

Because she snapped after I yelled at her.

Because she’s been hearing everything. For 15 years. (what do baby thoughts even sound like?)

Because she’s a Ment, and Ments hear my thoughts

Because my brain is broken.

  
Conclusion: Condition was caused by a cascade failure starting with a broken brain.  My brain.


	3. Guilt

_guilt (n) the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime_

Straightforward enough. Did I, in fact, commit an offence?

Carrying a broken brain around can’t really be called ‘committing an offence.’ So no. I did not commit an offense.

_guilt (n) a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation_

Do I feel like I’ve done wrong? 

Yes. Yes I do.

Oooh, a paradox. Fun.


	4. Fault (II)

_fault (n) responsibility for an accident or misfortune_

Circling back around to this, I guess. 

I yelled. I did that. But I’m not responsible for what happened. I didn’t cause it. Something I did set off the chain reaction, but I didn’t set up the dominoes.

And she took over my brain. But she didn’t know she was doing it until after it happened. She never told anyone she could hear me all the time. And maybe that part is her responsibility. I don’t know. She didn’t ask for a kid with a broken mind.

We can’t help the brains we’re born with. That’s nobody’s fault.

Objectively: it was nobody’s fault. 

I know that.

I don’t feel it, though.


	5. Guilt (II)

_guilt (n) a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation_

It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Sometimes things just happen.

( _"What you did all those years... It wasn't you. You didn't have a choice.")_

 _("I know. But I did it."_ )

( _Is projecting onto a fictional nonagenarian brainwashed assassin healthy? Who knows. But I think he’d get it._ )

It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t choose this.

I know. But it’s my brain.


	6. Forgiveness

_forgiveness (n) the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven_

Thanks, internet.

Trying that again.

_forgiveness (n)_ _a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you_

Much better. Am I harbouring feelings of resentment?

 _resentment (n)_ _bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly_

They left me. She almost killed me, and they dropped me at Nick’s doorstep. She almost killed me, and she didn’t even try to talk to me for weeks after. Is that unfair? It feels unfair.

And… I  am angry about it. Because I needed them. I needed my mom and dad, and they were just...  gone _._ They dropped me for something that wasn’t my fault (wasn’t anybody’s fault), and left me feeling like it  was. Left me feeling like a burden that they couldn’t handle anymore. Left me feeling guilty because I was never going to get to have a normal life, and now Nick can’t either, because of me and my broken brain.

...So yeah, maybe there’s some resentment.


	7. Cause (II)

_cause (n) a person or thing that gives rise to an action, phenomenon, or condition_

Condition: My parents transferred legal guardianship to my brother, and left the city.

Immediate cause: Because Mom needed to get out of brainrange.

Proximate cause: 

Because she almost accidentally killed me.

Because she hijacked my brain by accident.

Because she wanted to stop hearing my thoughts 24-7.

Because my brain leaks.

Because it’s broken.

Conclusion: Condition was necessary for both of our sakes.

  
  
  
  


It still hurts, though.


	8. Forgiveness (II)

_forgiveness (n)_ _a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you._

Consider: are these feelings helping me or hindering me?

Helping:

Angry feels better than guilty. If I focus on how pissed off I am, I don’t blame myself for what happened.

Hindering:

Hurts Nick’s feelings. (Should that be a factor? I don’t know. I can’t help what he feels, but… he didn’t ask for this. Isn’t it hard for him? Should I be making it hard er ?)

Hurts me. I miss having a family. I miss my mom and dad.

Do I miss them more than I’m angry? I think I miss them more than I’m angry?

I don’t know.

Maybe?

I don’t know.


End file.
